September 28, 2007

Completely copied and pasted from gamerhelp.com (<-- click for actual link), but very, very funny for video gaming types:


Who says video games can't teach you anything useful? The Fecal Jesus names 57 bits of wisdom that anyone can pick up simply from playing video games. by The Fecal Jesus


1. When you're about to beat someone in a fight, they will rapidly flash between red and their normal skin tone.


2. Chickens are easy to pick up.


3. Tennis is really easy.


4. Hockey is almost entirely about checking and fist-fights.


5. Most people don't say anything of interest.




6. On any given day, a 16-year old girl can beat up a gigantic bear, or an old man can beat up a robot.


7. The best way to open a container is to destroy it.


8. When you enter a town, the person closest to the entrance will welcome you to the town and tell you its name.


9. When driving, a full 360 flip is routine, provided you land wheels down.


10. Pay attention to shiny things.


11. All ninjas will try to kill you on sight. Unless said ninja is a super badass ninja who refuses to talk. That guy will run away after saying "..." But beware--he'll be back.


12. Parachutes are standard issue for all soldiers, regardless of what they're tasked with on the Battlefield.


13. Food heals all wounds.


14. Eating typically takes one or two seconds, and can usually be accomplished by standing on top of food.


15. If you run out of bullets, you die.


16. Everyone, everywhere, at anytime is capable of jumping at least 5 feet straight up.


17. Eating mushrooms can make you grow taller. Eating flowers let you shoot fireballs out of your hand.


18. Female martial artists are either little girls in Japanese school clothes, or scantily clad vixens with ginormous boobies.


19. The Web was basically built for people to play puzzle games and tower defense.


20. Windows sucks.


21. Your thumb is your most powerful weapon.


22. Pokemon, though vicious fighting animals, will only attack other Pokemon. Even the biggest, nastiest Pokemon won't hurt a human.


23. Princess Peach really needs a security staff.


24. And so does Princess Zelda.


25. Most people don't mind if you wander into their house unannounced. They also don't care if you go rifling through their chests and barrels looking for items.


26. A large number of doors and gates are controlled by elaborate pulley systems involving statues and clay tablets.


27. Barrels with radioactive signs on the side will explode if shot.


28. Hemorrhaging head wounds can be healed by standing on top of any box with the red cross symbol on the side.


29. Bad guys and monsters tend to enjoy carrying around the same types of bullets your guns use, even if they themselves are not armed.


30. Big ass boobs are great. 3D big ass boobs with a proper physics engine behind them are even better.


31. Massive boobs do not, in anyway, interfere with physical and athletic performance.


32. Most cities, though appearing large, are composed of small alleys and single streets blocked off at both ends by garbage, fences, cars, or mysterious invisible barriers.


33. 90% of all doors are completely fake. They're just painted onto the wall.


34. Solid Snake's co-workers are completely incapable of shutting the f**k up.


35. Turtles come out of their shells if you press down hard on them. Additionally, turtle shells are really slick on the bottom, and thus they slide around on normal surfaces as though they were ice.


36. For the most part, jumping on something's head will kill it. If it does not, then throwing a dead animal at the thing will do the job.


37. All adventures will take the protagonist through an "ice world."


38. If you get poisoned, you won't die as long as you stay still.


40. Grenades are easy to locate in major metropolitan areas. And in fields. And in suburbs. And in airbases. And in hotels. And on the bus. And in schools. But if you find grenades in a military base, they're probably fake and don't really exist.


41. 95% of all computers, desks, tables and chairs are exactly the same.


42. Killing people makes you stronger.


43. When someone dies, their body will decompose within 5 minutes of death.


44. Dead people, after decomposition, tend to leave behind weapons, food, or keys.


45. Bad guys like to build elaborate mazes around their headquarters.


46. The head guy involved in anything is usually trying to destroy the world.


47. Bad guy managers are usually far stronger than any of their underlings.


48. If a bad guy is really really big, you'll have to flip a number of switches in order to damage him. These switches will always reset within 30 seconds of being hit, making Mr. Big Baddy invulnerable again.


49. The more you kill, the better the stuff you get.


50. All store owners will buy any old crap you have in your bag, no matter how much of it you own.


51. If in combat, your enemies will usually stand around and wait patiently as you go through your rucksack looking for your rocket launcher.


52. A knife in the back beats three bullets in the face.


53. When you go to bed at an inn, a 3-second jingle will play before you go to sleep..


54. Hedgehogs do not have blood flowing through their veins, but giant gold rings.


55. The greatest of warriors often communicates in childish aphorisms.


56. Clothing only comes in one size.


57. If you come across a locked door, you have to find the key, even if it's a brittle piece of wood that a grenade should be able to obliterate.

September 27, 2007

The Man Code

My sister sent me this by email some time ago and, in playing catch-up, I just ran across it and gave it a read. Not bad. :)

  • The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
  • Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
  • Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
  • Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.
  • Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
  • If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If, within the last 24 hours, his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
  • Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
  • The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
  • No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
  • Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty.
  • Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.
  • If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem. You saw nothing.
  • When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
  • It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless super model...and it's free.
  • A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
  • If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
  • Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need. In any case, not talking is appropriate behavior.
  • If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.
  • Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
  • Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

September 17, 2007

That Boardgaming Thing 2007

Honestly, I haven't forgotten that I have a blog hanging out here. The standard excuse still stands - it's been a crazy busy time at work and we've spent the last couple of months preparing to move: selling our house, finding a new house, making an offer, getting rejected, finding a new new house, making an offer, getting a counter-offer, countering the counter, having that accepted, planning the move, oh, and coordinating a 4-day board gaming event to occur the weekend before the move.

Well, the board gaming event, the 4th annual That Boardgaming Thing, went fabulously. I had a great time and had an opportunity to play with many people that I only get to see once/year if that in addition to many that I see more frequently. As a bonus, I managed to come in 2nd (first loser) in the poker tourney that we held. Only 24 players, but still a decent challenge. Additionally, I managed to lose to one Alan R. Moon, who graced our event with his presence, so that was pretty entertaining as well.

Pics of the new house to be posted soon - moving in 2 days!