Who says video games can't teach you anything useful? The Fecal Jesus names 57 bits of wisdom that anyone can pick up simply from playing video games. by The Fecal Jesus
1. When you're about to beat someone in a fight, they will rapidly flash between red and their normal skin tone.
2. Chickens are easy to pick up.
3. Tennis is really easy.
4. Hockey is almost entirely about checking and fist-fights.
5. Most people don't say anything of interest.
6. On any given day, a 16-year old girl can beat up a gigantic bear, or an old man can beat up a robot.
7. The best way to open a container is to destroy it.
8. When you enter a town, the person closest to the entrance will welcome you to the town and tell you its name.
9. When driving, a full 360 flip is routine, provided you land wheels down.
10. Pay attention to shiny things.
11. All ninjas will try to kill you on sight. Unless said ninja is a super badass ninja who refuses to talk. That guy will run away after saying "..." But beware--he'll be back.
12. Parachutes are standard issue for all soldiers, regardless of what they're tasked with on the Battlefield.
13. Food heals all wounds.
14. Eating typically takes one or two seconds, and can usually be accomplished by standing on top of food.
15. If you run out of bullets, you die.
16. Everyone, everywhere, at anytime is capable of jumping at least 5 feet straight up.
17. Eating mushrooms can make you grow taller. Eating flowers let you shoot fireballs out of your hand.
18. Female martial artists are either little girls in Japanese school clothes, or scantily clad vixens with ginormous boobies.
19. The Web was basically built for people to play puzzle games and tower defense.
20. Windows sucks.
21. Your thumb is your most powerful weapon.
22. Pokemon, though vicious fighting animals, will only attack other Pokemon. Even the biggest, nastiest Pokemon won't hurt a human.
23. Princess Peach really needs a security staff.
24. And so does Princess Zelda.
25. Most people don't mind if you wander into their house unannounced. They also don't care if you go rifling through their chests and barrels looking for items.
26. A large number of doors and gates are controlled by elaborate pulley systems involving statues and clay tablets.
27. Barrels with radioactive signs on the side will explode if shot.
28. Hemorrhaging head wounds can be healed by standing on top of any box with the red cross symbol on the side.
29. Bad guys and monsters tend to enjoy carrying around the same types of bullets your guns use, even if they themselves are not armed.
30. Big ass boobs are great. 3D big ass boobs with a proper physics engine behind them are even better.
31. Massive boobs do not, in anyway, interfere with physical and athletic performance.
32. Most cities, though appearing large, are composed of small alleys and single streets blocked off at both ends by garbage, fences, cars, or mysterious invisible barriers.
33. 90% of all doors are completely fake. They're just painted onto the wall.
34. Solid Snake's co-workers are completely incapable of shutting the f**k up.
35. Turtles come out of their shells if you press down hard on them. Additionally, turtle shells are really slick on the bottom, and thus they slide around on normal surfaces as though they were ice.
36. For the most part, jumping on something's head will kill it. If it does not, then throwing a dead animal at the thing will do the job.
37. All adventures will take the protagonist through an "ice world."
38. If you get poisoned, you won't die as long as you stay still.
40. Grenades are easy to locate in major metropolitan areas. And in fields. And in suburbs. And in airbases. And in hotels. And on the bus. And in schools. But if you find grenades in a military base, they're probably fake and don't really exist.
41. 95% of all computers, desks, tables and chairs are exactly the same.
42. Killing people makes you stronger.
43. When someone dies, their body will decompose within 5 minutes of death.
44. Dead people, after decomposition, tend to leave behind weapons, food, or keys.
45. Bad guys like to build elaborate mazes around their headquarters.
46. The head guy involved in anything is usually trying to destroy the world.
47. Bad guy managers are usually far stronger than any of their underlings.
48. If a bad guy is really really big, you'll have to flip a number of switches in order to damage him. These switches will always reset within 30 seconds of being hit, making Mr. Big Baddy invulnerable again.
49. The more you kill, the better the stuff you get.
50. All store owners will buy any old crap you have in your bag, no matter how much of it you own.
51. If in combat, your enemies will usually stand around and wait patiently as you go through your rucksack looking for your rocket launcher.
52. A knife in the back beats three bullets in the face.
53. When you go to bed at an inn, a 3-second jingle will play before you go to sleep..
54. Hedgehogs do not have blood flowing through their veins, but giant gold rings.
55. The greatest of warriors often communicates in childish aphorisms.
56. Clothing only comes in one size.
57. If you come across a locked door, you have to find the key, even if it's a brittle piece of wood that a grenade should be able to obliterate.
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